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writing prompt: No RAGERTS

  I regret not surrendering my life fully to the Lord earlier. I feel like if I had let go of habits and fears sooner, I’d be further along in my journey than I am now. I spent a lot of time bottling issues or pushing them down out of my mind instead of facing them and being honest with myself in a raw way. A lot of that is due to pride. I pretended those parts of myself didn’t exist so I wouldn’t have to look at my own brokenness. I’d just cover them with a blanket statement of self-loathing. It seems easier to call yourself worthless and unlovable than it is to say you don’t react well to criticism or you can be super judgmental or you lack the ability to genuinely, honestly open up to anyone. It’s hard to reconcile your fear of abandonment with your desire for closeness and community when you’ve been taught that people can betray you at any point- sometimes for no reason at all.  Obviously there’s a part of me that is disappointed with where I am in life right now. I don’t want to
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Patience, grasshopper.

  Comedians have this wonderful way of packaging up the human condition. They have this ability to poke fun at the flaws of our existence. The late comedian Mitch Hedberg once said, “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’ll just ask them where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.” I have never found a more relatable joke in my life because I myself am a procrastinator. Hedberg wrote this to get a laugh out of every self-aware slacker in his audience, but what he was really doing was pointing out the incredible rift in the human soul between dreams and reality. There is nothing more evident in our culture today than to desire “success” and yet suffer the impatience and lack of discipline keeping us from it. Ponzi schemes are born on the backs of people wanting to make something of themselves, but not committed to understanding the cost, or even, the purpose.  Much like Hedberg’s observation about human industry — or the lack thereof — is the narrow, lonely walk in Christ. Christians
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bittersweet

What love does to my heart is truly wild. I have been crying for the last day and a half because we left Maryland. I just marvel at the gift of who each of them are every time we go there. Their personalities are all larger than life, and each time they tell a story I experience the joy and the heartbreak with them, following them into the valley and ascending with them to the mountaintop. God made each and every one of them with the intricacies of their personalities, and I have the unique joy of getting a glimpse inside that wonder and mystery of creation.   Hearing the boys talk about their dreams, I now have a shell of an understanding of how much God loves us. P talked about his dream of wanting to produce his own music. M expressed his struggles in attempting to build the particulars of a curriculum for the guys at his rehabilitation center. J shared his feelings of intense loneliness, and being reminded of his past failure every time he is somewhere by himself. Just thinking abo
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wild.

Welp, this is going to be interesting. I'm only here because I need a free publishing space. Nothing to see... pay no attention to the woman behind the URL. A few years ago, apparently I used to have a blog under this particular website. I just went back and read my posts and man... God is good. I was such a mess. I mocked Him. I dishonored my parents. I was generally critical and mistrustful of a lot of people. Thinking back on where I was mentally, spiritually, emotionally during that time in my life.. yikes. I'm RELIEVED to be set free from that darkness. Sin is ugly. But God is faithful. Let's begin, yeah?
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