writing prompt: No RAGERTS

 I regret not surrendering my life fully to the Lord earlier. I feel like if I had let go of habits and fears sooner, I’d be further along in my journey than I am now. I spent a lot of time bottling issues or pushing them down out of my mind instead of facing them and being honest with myself in a raw way. A lot of that is due to pride. I pretended those parts of myself didn’t exist so I wouldn’t have to look at my own brokenness. I’d just cover them with a blanket statement of self-loathing. It seems easier to call yourself worthless and unlovable than it is to say you don’t react well to criticism or you can be super judgmental or you lack the ability to genuinely, honestly open up to anyone. It’s hard to reconcile your fear of abandonment with your desire for closeness and community when you’ve been taught that people can betray you at any point- sometimes for no reason at all. 

Obviously there’s a part of me that is disappointed with where I am in life right now. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. There’s a lot to be thankful for. I have mild financial freedom as a result of God placing me in a lucrative, secure job with set hours. But I know there’s more for me. I know there’s a bigger and a better plan, there’s a ministry, there’s a husband and children waiting for me to catch up. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that God’s timing is better than mine. This period of time though, is undoing years of defense mechanisms, focusing on painful self-revelations and causing honest growth. Five years ago I was absolutely not ready for this season. I would have mentally collapsed like a house of cards- built up in futility, flimsy and sure of itself just the same. Now when I deal with pain, I run to God instead of alcohol, sex, friendships or anything else I used to do in search of comfort. It’s hard because I miss those things. They were the best worldly numbing agents I knew. They made me forget about my fears for a few moments. But those were only moments of amnesia and not true rehabilitation.

Now I am doing things I didn’t think I was capable of doing before. I have a solid group of believing friends who keep me accountable and just let me breathe. I am honest with my shortcomings and doing something about it: praying and looking for practical ways to work through them. I am writing more than ever- a gift I have severely underutilized up to this point. I’m looking for ways to serve in my community. I’m genuinely hungry for the knowledge of God and thirsty for his presence. 

I know healing comes in degrees. I feel myself getting stronger internally. I feel my voice coming back to me, one that I lost in childhood. I know an effective ministry, a truly loving spouse and children are a part of my future. But I won’t be ready until God says I’m ready- and I am grateful and completely satisfied until then.